I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
