i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
