I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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