I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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