Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
