Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
