he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
