Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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