Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
