I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
