I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
