My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
