I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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