I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
