You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
