the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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