I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
the condom got lost in my hair
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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