I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You pole danced in your parka.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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