My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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