you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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