Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
