I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
