You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
