his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I am available for nakedness
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize