I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I can't turn off my feet"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
