so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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