i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I looked at my own cervix.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
