i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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