He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
