Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
