Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
