id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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