peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
