so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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