Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
