IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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