I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
How does one acquire holy water?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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