Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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