Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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