Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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