Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
