I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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