Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
