This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
