my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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