Four minutes until I can fart!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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