When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
