By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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