I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
