All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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