Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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