you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
