so that wasnt chicken after all
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
