god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
